Thursday Morning Cupcheck – Turkey Day in the NHL

November 26, 2009

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Here’s hoping Last week we defended the snow-white virginal honor of one Bill Belichick; this week, I was planning on penning a paean proposing punitive pressure on pumpkin-punching pain perpetrators –head shots have gotz to go– but when my hearing-ear dog Chocolate Satan woke me up this morning, I was reminded of the horrifying abyss that many of you refer to as Turkey Day.

"Hey, are you going to eat that?"

"Hey, are you going to eat that?"

First, a quick history lesson: the origin of Turkey Day comes from our Founding Fathers, who, in remembrance of their harrowing escape from the dank depths of a Turkish prison, solemnly perform the Throttling of the Fat Brown Bird Ritual every year. This demonic ritual annually reminds us of the nightmarish terror of sinewy half-undead forms being tortured by hairy, sweaty hooded men by forcing us to watch the Detroit Lions.

But Turkey Day isn’t just about unspeakable suffering; it’s also about having dinner with your family. Indeed, it’s said that our Founding Fathers refused to sit at the same table with their in-laws unless it was written in-the-law that it was mandatory to do so; many say the choice of turkey as the centerpiece was chosen specifically for it’s bland, taste-free repulsiveness. For many early Pilgrims, an Indian massacre was a welcome respite from awkward family conversation.

But enough about ancient history: this Turkey Day, I’m coming to you live (bet you didn’t think journalists could do that, huh? Well, we can, we simply choose not to for metaphysical reasons) from the table of one Gary Bettman, who has locked his family in a wooden crate on an icefloe and invited some hockey luminaries to share this special day instead.

Me: Thanks for having me over, Gary, I really appreciate the chance to break bread, talk turkey and suck stuffing with you today.

Gary Bettman: No problem, Todd..er… did you bring the black tar heroin like I asked?

Me: (whips out garbage bag full of discarded Target receipts) Got it right here, my friend!!

Gary B.: In that case, Welcome to El Casa de Dolor, my palacial estate, built upon the bleached bones of those that would question my decision-making ability. What do you think?

Me: (glancing around) There’s definitely a lot of stuff in here I’m thinking about stealing.

Gary: I kno–wait, what?

Me: I said, ‘Gary Bettman is a name synonymous with effective, results-driven leadership and shall go down in history with the greatest Napoleon complexes of all time.’

Gary: That’s what I thought! Here, have a seat. (motions me between Chris Pronger and Brian Burke)

Could this finally be the year?

Could this finally be the year?

Me: Sweet! ‘Sup, Li’l Chris? What it is, B-Dawg? WOOF!!

(Burke throws a haymaker, Pronger launches an elbow as I duck. They belt each other in the face)

Me: Cool! I’ve always wanted to do that!

Burke: I’d ring-a-ding-ding your coconut, if I could wipe away enough of my own blood to open my eyes!

Pronger: Why are my elbows covered in ketchup again? Is the food here already?

Burke: That’s not ketchup, you imbalanced imbecile! That’s the Blood of Odin that runs through my veins and on to your Members Only jacket!!

Pronger: Actually, it’s a Prongers Only jacket.

Me: Speaking of nosebleeds, where’s the grub? Where are the other guests of honor?

Gary: My enemies are as ruthless as they are dumb. To ensure that those who disobey me do not come near my dinner, I have set up an intricate series of puzzles and quests, which one must solve in order to pass to the Boss Level… where they will face the robotic clone I send in my place to all public speaking engagements, press interviews and Stanley Cup-awarding ceremonies. Then they must answer me these questions thr–

Me: Waitaminute, why I didn’t have to go through any of that?

Gary: Are you challenging me? Next question!

Pronger: Me! Me! Pick me!! Hey! Why do they call it “taking” a dump, when I’m only picking it up to fling it at passing motorists and Red Wing forwards?

Burke: (angrily) So it was YOU that flung feces on my Escalade!! Lemme at ‘im!! (jumps over table, picks up serving spoon and starts going to town on Pronger’s cranium)

Pronger: My brain tickles. I must be thinking about something important.

Gary: Brian!! Cease your truculence this instant!

Burke: (decks Bettman in the chin, starts foaming at the mouth) NEEEAAAAAGGGHHHHGGGG!!

Gary: (twitches on the floor, soils $45,000 pants) Collin… thhhavve me…

Me: That’s my cue. (grabs Burke’s wallet, containing half of Toronto’s salary cap in unmarked $100s) If you guys need me, I’ll be in Tijuana with Thora Birch and four sticks of Land O’ Lakes unsalted butter. Toodles!

Pronger: Ok, bye!

I’ll update the remainder of my Turkey Day from the El Jefe Airlines flight I’m on to parts unknown. Tune in next week when I visit some Pittsburgh-area homeless shelters with Sidney Crosby — their relentless Crys-by taunts may surprise you.


Professional NFL Expert Picks – Week 12

November 25, 2009

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week. Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our panel of perfect prognosticators — Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock — will bring the pain each and every week.

Don't agree with these picks? Too bad, we can't hear you over the sound of our awesomeness.

Don't agree with these picks? Too bad, we can't hear you over the sound of our awesomeness.

As an added bonus, we have included three competing methodologies. The first is the return of “Mascot War,” in which we discuss which team’s actual moniker would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild. Besides being easily the most controversial aspect of this feature, it will probably also be a constant source of embarrassment as our picks routinely show up.

The second and third methodologies are perhaps equally arcane and mysterious to the average NFL fan. There is the “Occult Pick,” in which our experts use the forbidden art of divination to predict each week’s winner; and “Fashion War,” in which Todd’s wife selects each victor based on the relative superiority of each team’s uniforms.

Most of these picks need no explanation: However, our panel has provided some commentary (footnotes and indexing to follow) for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.

Todd M: Panther versus Jet — This week’s pitched battle to the death pits two of America’s most notorious gangs against each other. On the one hand, the Panthers tried to avenge centuries of injustice with militant acts against the perceived racist institutions of their time. On the other hand, the Jets snapped their fingers and pranced around. Can the Panther’s weaponry overcome the Jet’s choreography? Unfortunately not this week: when you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way. Jet over Panther.


James Neal Suspended for Two Games

November 21, 2009

What is this bullshit? Here’s an artist’s conception of how this makes me feel:

 


Thursday Morning Cupcheck – Belichick: Moron or Imbecile?

November 19, 2009

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Here’s hoping the Starsloss to the Phoenix Tippetts didn’t drive you to an early grave; indeed, when the Stars surrendered a goal in the first and last minutes of the second period in that game, a wave of nostalgia for the Tippett Regime swept over me like a bunch of trains and skyscrapers, and I started crying –although it may have been because I was chopping onions and listening to Morrissey records at the time. Ah, Tipp, we’ll miss those competent-for-57-minutes games…. or will we?

Above: Former Stars coach Dave Tippett silently offs Stars center Mike Ribeiro

Above: Former Stars coach Dave Tippett silently offs Stars center Mike Ribeiro

Last week we delved deeply into the dark depths of depravity –i.e., the NFL– with my Unfounded 4th-and-99 Insanity Theory. This week, I was planning on railing incoherently on the Stars in all-caps (FIRE NEAL HE SUX), but in lieu of last night’s impressive road victory over the surging Detroit Red Wings, it’s come to many observers’ attention that we may, finally, have every 600-level fan’s dream. No, not a pay-per-view zero-G Ice Girls honey-wrestling battle royale (not yet), but the one thing that’s eluded fans of all but a handful of teams over the past decade: a Goalie Controversy.

After Alex Auld stoned the once-potent Detroit attack (including ending their incredible run of 50% powerplay effectiveness in recent games) –and considering Turco’s lifelong troubles winning there– it may be time to consider giving him a slight increase in ice time, somewhere in the range of 73-77 games’ worth. To discuss this intelligently, I’ve brought a panel of professional experts –Andy Moog, Eddie Belfour, Mike Ditka, Vladislav Tretiak, Ken Dryden, Stephen Hawking and Darryl Reaugh– to weigh the possibilities of a goalie change in net for the Dallas Stars.

Me: Gentlemen, thanks for coming.

Professional Experts: (everyone jibber-jabbers at once)

Me: So, gentlemen, do the Stars have a ‘goalie controversy’?

Professional Experts: Nope.

(three minutes of awkward silence)

(Ditka coughs)

Stephen Hawking: HEY, ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

Me: Security!!

So that’s that then. More to the point, the sports world is all abuzz about something marginally related to hockey: New England Patriots Czar Bill Belichick’s decision to “go for it” on 4th-and-2 from his own 28 yard line in the final minutes against the Colts. As some of you may have heard, the move backfired, the Colts got the ball and drove down easily for the game-winning touchdown. As some of the rest of you may have heard, a three-time Superbowl-winning coach is now the Schmuck of the Ages, the greatest moron since sliced bread, a hobo-lookalike dumber than a bag of dildos.

Ahhh, pundits… is there anything they don’t know? As I’ve railed incessantly since the beginning of this column 137 weeks ago, You Play to Win the Game. The media reaction to Baffled Bumpkin Belichick’s Bupkus reminds me of my high school buddy Chris –now a high-priced lawyer– who had a fool-proof strategy when he played me in Axis & Allies. His plan was always the same: pick the Axis, build up your forces until they’re impregnable, and never attack. My strategy: throw everything I had minus one infantry at him from turn 1. Guess who won 100% of the time? Clue: it was me and my idiotic strategy.

Belichick consumes six cans of this before every game for strength, inspiration

Belichick consumes six cans of this before every game for strength, inspiration

Point being, when you’re playing a game, go for the win. There’s no Special Prize for Who Keeps the Most Troops (although the Lady Byng Trophy is pretty much exactly that). Your offense had gained 450 yards up to that point, averaged 6.7 yards per play, and you need 2 yards –two yards– to win the game. Punt it to Peyton Manning, and depending on the punt return, he now has two full minutes to drive 60 yards. Manning just drove longer than that in less time –do these pundits really think Manning is some sort of unknown commodity? The guy will win the game if given two full minutes and the ball. Period. Put some faith in your offense –you know, the part of the game that you actually control– and get two yards.

Of course, lining up five-wide with an empty backfield and throwing to the guy least likely to make the first down was another matter. But the decision to go for it was solid; punt there, and you avoid blame but lose the game.

Same mentality should be applied to the NHL: play to win, don’t play ‘not to lose’. This is why Tippett is cleaning scorpions out of his skates every morning and Marc Crawford is coaching a Cup-caliber roster in one of hockey’s big-revenue markets. Crawford, for all his faults, sends his guys in waves at the enemy gates, and would rather they score than hang back, play the prevent defense/trap and hope for the best. Pshaw. Hockey is a game: go for the win! You’ve got nothing to lose but your career and your health!

That’s it for this week’s Visigoth-friendly Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we chastise Crawford for not pulling his goalie when he was up by two goals in the final minute of the Detroit game.


Professional NFL Expert Picks – Week 11

November 19, 2009

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week. Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our panel of perfect prognosticators — Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock — will bring the pain each and every week.

If you are reading this, you must not like football

If you are reading this, you must not like football

As an added bonus, we have included three competing methodologies. The first is the return of “Mascot War,” in which we discuss which team’s actual moniker would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild. Besides being easily the most controversial aspect of this feature, it will probably also be a constant source of embarrassment as our picks routinely show up.

The second and third methodologies are perhaps equally arcane and mysterious to the average NFL fan. There is the “Occult Pick,” in which our experts use the forbidden art of divination to predict each week’s winner; and “Fashion War,” in which Todd’s wife selects each victor based on the relative superiority of each team’s uniforms.

Most of these picks need no explanation: However, our panel has provided some commentary (footnotes and indexing to follow) for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.

Todd M: Charger versus Bronco — HORSEFIGHT!! Which bile-soaked nightmarish steed will win this week’s pitched battle to the death? Since both are of roughly equal build and quickness, the victor will be determined by tactics alone. The Bronco, while a formidable bucker, puts up a stout defense but stays primarily in one spot. The Charger, on the other hand, sacrifices precision and defense in favor of dealing massive amounts of damage. Fortune favors the bold, as does the Grim Reaper: the Charger takes a horseshoe to the coconut this week but knocks the Bronco squarely on his deadly tuckus. Charger over Bronco


Concert Review: Dethklok & Mastodon at the House of Blues

November 12, 2009

The House of Blues hosted some viciously awesome metal Wednesday night, as Metalocalypse’s Dethklok and Georgia’s Mastodon packed the venue to the rafters with jacked-up metalheads. Throw in a couple of amazing underground metal bands in High on Fire and the insanely creative Converge, and you’ve got a metal tour that literally kicks the crap out of the big summer geezer quilting parties like Cruefest and Mayhem.

Is there anything more effing metal than this guy?

Is there anything more effing metal than this guy?

Unfortunately for a large number of fans (and this reviewer), the show started at the unholy crack of dawn (6:30pm, which for all intensive purposes may as well have been 6:30am), meaning most of the sold-out crowd missed out on openers Converge and High on Fire. Damn: should’ve taken that imaginary start time more seriously.

By the time progressive sludge metal rockers Mastodon took the stage, however, the HOB was packed to the gills: while the majority of the (younger) crowd was probably there to see cartoon metal, every serious metal fan in the country would kick their best friend in the junk for a chance to see Masto-effing-don live.

For better or worse, the band’s entire set was more slow and ponderous than brutal: most of the songs off their newest album, Crack the Skye, sounded better on CD than live –although that may have had something to with the sound system, which featured the drums and a whole lot of indistinguishable fuzz. Towards the end of the set, when Mastodon went back to some of their earlier material, the sound was improved but the frequent and unexpected shifts in timing took most of the crowd out of any metal groove; after seeing Mastodon live, there might actually be such a thing as being too progressive.

While the band had no stage show whatsoever, they did spruce up the visual show (touring with Dethklok, you pretty much have to), spending most of the show playing in front of a silent movie-esque Rasputin Goes to Hell and Slays the Devil storyline, and later playing in front of their totally metal backdrops: the three-headed beast fetish from the cover of Blood Mountain, the massive white whale attacking a ship in icy waters from the cover of Leviathan, and the exploding horse from their first album cover, Remission. Much like the following band, Mastodon was seemingly content to blend into the foreground and provide musical accompaniment for the surreal visuals on the projection screen behind them.

Remember, kids: the more merch you buy, the more tours you'll get to see

Remember, kids: the more merch you buy, the more tours you'll get to see

Finally, at the decidedly non-metal time of 10:00pm sharp (say what you will about HOB, but they get their bands to start and end on time. As a performing musician myself, you have no idea how impressive that is), Dethklok took the stage. For those of you wondering how a cartoon band could “take the stage”, Dethklok’s solution was ingenious: have the real band play almost invisibly in the foreground, while full-length videos of the television show’s songs run on the big screen. It’s a herculean task requiring impeccable timing and musicianship, but Dethklok was up for the challenge.

The actual band centers around Metalocolypse’s creator/writer/director/songwriter/voices dude Brendon Small –you can listen to our interview with Small from last year’s tour here– and a motley cast of elite mercenaries, including wizened metal drummer Gene Hoglan, former Zappa guitarist Mike Keneally and bassist Bryan Beller. Despite playing second-fiddle to the cartoon characters behind them, the band itself actually put on quite a show, throwing themselves into the show with a surprising amount of stagecraft while never missing a beat.

The band played the popular songs with amazing precision –with one possible exception during Thunderhorse when the vocals and animation didn’t quite link up– and worked the crowd with Dethklok’s Queen-inspired brand of hooky thrash metal. For the most part, the show was little different from last tour’s, with a few new videos from the most recent season like Bloodlines, The Gears and Burn the Earth mixed in with older classics like Awaken, (the highly disturbing) Murmaider, Hatredcopter, Birthday Dethday and the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle.

Almost as soon as the set started, however, it was over at 11pm sharp –likely just in time to let the younger members of the crowd get home in time for their favorite shows on Adult Swim– but I’m not faulting the 12- and 13- year old fans in any way. However you get introduced to the beauty and power of heavy metal, whether you grew up listening to bootleg tapes of King Diamond, accidentally heard Quiet Riot on the radio once, or (like me) was turned on to metal by Metallica’s Black Album –it’s all good.


Thursday Morning Cupcheck – 4th-and-99 Insanity

November 12, 2009

Good morning, hockey fans! Here’s hoping the long layoff between games hasn’t left Dallas Stars hockey a fleeting, hazy memory: with San Jose and Phoenix on the immediate horizon, the Stars need positive vibes from their fabtastic fans more than ever. Well, until next month, when the games actually start to matter.

Last week we gave the shootout-starved Stars something succulent to stew on; this week, I was planning on writing my tri-annual Hockey’s Most Metal Moments (#14 – James ‘Leviathan’ Neal scores twice in the shootout on the same wicked wrister, chasing Ba’al from net and ensuring the safe return of the Ice Girls from Lucifer’s Fortress of Cold Iron), but in light of recent events –namely, the Cowboys‘ startling four-game winning streak– it’s time for hockey afficianados to ask themselves the tough questions.

Save us, James Neal, you're our only hope

Save us, James Neal, you're our only hope

Namely, if hockey is so effing metal, why is it not as popular as the NFL?

When the NHL was selling expansion to the southern US as a viable option, Gary’s Bett-buddies kept bringing up the same seemingly-logical stat: that football fans would naturally gravitate towards the lightning-fast, violent and physical sport of hockey like maggots to roadkill. Here in the Great State of Texas, that meant one thing: Cowboy fans would have something to watch in the downtime between their annual Superbowl parades and training camp that would temporarily satiate their unquenchable thirst for pain.

What has actually happened –other than the Stars robbing the ‘Boys of their post-season mojo, as the Cowboys have gone 0-fer in the playoffs since the Northstars uprooted themselves for the browner pastures of Tejas– is that the Cowboys have inexplicably maintained their dominance over the casual sports fan, while hockey has appealed almost exclusively to the hardcore sports fan. Anecdotally, at least –according to these reams of statistics I’ve recently made up– it seems casual football fans are slow to take hockey to heart, even with the (occasional) playoff success and (relatively recent) championship. Why is that?

Part of it, of course, is the Southern obsession with Celebrity: when Tony Romo is making more headlines at TMZ than ESPN, you know you’re roping in the casual fan (i.e., your mom and the gals down at Supercuts); the Stars gave it a go with the lone NHL player with his own publicist, and disaster ensued.

But I’ve got another Unfounded Theory: that the basic structure of the game, where goals are worth one “point”, is about as American as Escargot Pie.

As citizens of the wealthiest empire in world history, the foundation of our power has always been our willingness to spendspendspend –the second our nation’s web developers and corporate analysts realize that their 60-inch flatscreen is just as acceptable as the shiny new 72-inch model fresh off the truck, our paper-thin power pyramid would collapse faster than the Sharks in the first round. In order to maintain our empire’s dominance, then, we’ve been subjected our entire lives to non-stop barrage of BUYBUYBUY AND YOU WILL BE HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYJOYJOYJOY!!!

The NHL is missing out on this key demographic

The NHL is missing out on this key demographic

What does this have to do with hockey? Simple: we like our experiences in watching sports to match or exceed the rollercoaster highs and lows we experience every second of our goddamned day. It’s what I like to call the 4th-and-99 Insanity Theory: in football, the ragtag underdog (i.e., the viewer) can overcome seemingly insurmountable odds (i.e., his miserable life) with a simple 99-yard touchdown with no time left on the clock against the best team in the universe in the championship game while the voluptuous cheerleader watches (i.e., buying the winning lottery ticket).

The other major sports all have the same ridiculous emotional release: baseball’s got the hitless, bespectacled schlepp belting the grand slam with two outs and two strikes in the bottom of the ninth, while even basketball has the five-point between-the-legs granny shot from underneath your own basket.

Hockey? Each goal is worth one point. No three-point no-look between-the-legs goalie shots from their own crease to erase a 2-goal deficit with 00.1 seconds left on the clock. Instead, the last-second goal, at best, either ties the game with 00.1 seconds left or puts you ahead in a tie-game with 00.1 seconds left. Excuse me, did you just say the two most exciting last-second adolescent fantasy scoring options both involve… uhh…. ties??. Unfortunately for hockey, yes.

As we speak, the NHL GMs are meeting to discuss head shots, having solved hockey’s other hot-button issue of the goalie-hatin’ trapezoid. For the Future of the Game in America –especially the Bible-totin’ Dirty Souf– here’s hoping the GMs have the wisdom and foresight to add a three-point blindfolded from-your-own-crease-while-sitting-down shot that will elevate hockey to the august ranks of the other three major sports… before hardcore fans start leaving in droves.

That’s it for this week’s Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I applaud the NHL’s decision to bring in SEC referees to officiate all remaining Penguins games, ensuring that the retroactively-undefeated Crosbys will not lose another game this season.


Re-Check: Thursday Morning Cupcheck – Amazingly Accurate Western Conference Predictions

November 11, 2009

Originally printed September 13th, 2007. Without going down each and every prediction I made two years ago [I believe I did that twice over the course of the season anyways], I think I was spot-on on most of ‘em. Also got to use my favorite insult that no one else really seems to ‘get’: Hotard. More importantly, I gotta make this short ’cause I’m seeing Dethklok and Mastodon to-night at the House of Blues, and am getting mentally ready to rock my own face off.

 

Good morning, hockey fans! While you were sleeping off the mind-numbing effects of last week’s column exposing the Leastern Conference, I was already doing research into the only real hockey conference out there: the QMJHL. No, wait– the Western Conference, heretofore to be referred to as the “Bestern Conference,” and not just because all Western teams have to spend copious amounts of time in Best Westerns across the country (while their pansified Eastern counterparts cry about having to walk to each others’ stadiums). There’s just something infinitely better about Western-style hockey over the Masturbating Dinosaurs Chewing on Pucks that passes for “professional” hockey in the east. While the typical eastern conference defenseman struggles to discover the difference between joining the rush and licking the ice off his balls, the typical Western defenseman is adept at busting a forecheck, making a clean pass out of his zone to an open forward, and getting up with enough speed to be the late man on a layered offensive attack. Do any Flyers fans even know what I just said?

Even more telling is the difference in forward play. In the East, forwards are there to make sure their team gets mentioned on Sportscenter at least once a week (once every half-hour if you’re Pittsburgh or the Rangers). Forwards cherry-pick at the center stripe, waiting for their outnumbered teammates to get them the puck, skate down the ice really fast (more often than not, losing the puck in their blinding, glistening skates), before trying some dipsy-doodle move on the goaltender that results in a goal 5% of the time. Then it’s the other team’s turn. And whoever scores more dinky-dork goals after 60 minutes wins the game! Isn’t that amazing?! It’s got all the excitement of a tennis game, except with far more play stoppages and unpronounceable Central European names!

Meanwhile, in the West, individuals going it alone so that they can preen and point to themselves on highlight reels are usually met with a solid shoulder to the schnoz. With relatively few exceptions, which we will be discussing shortly, Western teams play team-oriented defense, team-oriented offense and even support their goalie, rather than leaving him on an island after a long rush up-ice. While the “talent” levels may favor the East –provided you define “talent” as “the act of scoring 100 points a year, yet strangely having a negative plus-minus and a team that folds in five games in the first round of an uninspired playoffs”– the “team” concept is alive and well in the West, which means that, once again, the team that wins the West will invariably take home the Stanley Cup this year.

Detroit goaltender Dominik Hasek and his girlfriend Nick Lidstrom make quite an imposing couple

Detroit goaltender Dominik Hasek and his girlfriend Nick Lidstrom make quite an imposing couple

(Note to potentially-angry emailers: there are a handful of teams in the East that do not fit my description. New Jersey, Buffalo, and the Islanders probably all belong in the West. We’ll gladly trade Nashville, LA and the Suckhawks, since their styles don’t quite fit over here.)

So without further ado, here are my predictions for the upcoming Western Conference Slugfest ‘08!

Central Division

Detroit Red Wings — After years of starting players in their late 50s and 60s, this team continues to dominate the regular season before, like clockwork, crumpling like a sexually-confused origami swan in the playoffs. This is probably due to the level of competition they are “stuck” with: the Central is usually the least impressive division in hockey, and certainly the weakest in the West. Playing cupcakes like Nashville and Chicago 32 times a year is like spotting Henrik Zetterberg 64 Free Goals: then he gets to the playoffs, where a Ducks defenseman dislocates his nose to the other side of his face, and viola!– instant playoff suckage. This year will be no different, as the Central continues to be the conference’s whipping boy. Detroit’s cadre of really old guys and not-so-young-anymore stars will once again tear through this division like a +2 battleaxe through a small child, leaving the Red Wings with more points than any other team in hockey.

Prediction: First place, 118 points

St. Louis Blues — As anyone who has any real life experiences whatsoever knows, “Everything rises and falls on leadership.” Fortunately for the Blues, they have one of the most underrated coaches in the NHL in Andy Murray, and regardless of the “talent” level on their roster, the Blues will bring any and every opponent to their level of play every night. Sure, there will be the 7-1 blowouts at the hands of the Red Wings… but there will also be the soul-crushing 2-2 shootout wins over the Red Wings later in the season –hopefully after some flashy goal by Franzen gets disallowed. The Blues’ lineup may not be anything special, but a team of nobodies playing together will almost always beat a team of superior individuals playing with their own agendas. Murray is the perfect coach for this team, which should surprise a lot of clueless NHL pundits. Heck, they might even surprise me by going 1-80-1.

Prediction: Second place, 87 points

Nashville Predators — Anyone that looks at this trainwreck of a team is either laughing hysterically or staring in shocked disbelief. The poster-boy for whiny, privileged teams is finally going to bite the proverbial dust this season. Don’t get me wrong — I used to love the Preds. They were once a fast, exciting, energetic team on the rise, with a cool coach that hilariously had no neck. But over the last 3-4 years, something changed in the culture in Nashville. They became a-holes, concerned more with padding their regular season stats than doing what was in the league’s best interests. Their fans stopped showing up to games, even as the Preds put up mind-numbing point totals. And then they went ahead and made Mr. Show-Up-When-I-Damn-Well-Want-To, Jason Arnott, their team captain. Mini-prediction: the Preds will discover that they have made a big mistake in Arnott by mid-November, as they raid his room and find Alexei Yashin FatHead posters covering the walls. Also, dumping one of the league’s top goalies, Vokoun, was a huge mistake. Fans should hope and pray that their games against Nashville occur early on in the season, while they still have a mathematical chance at the playoffs, because any games late in the year will be Open Season on your top forwards, as Nashville’s cadre of unlikeable thugs earn their bonuses with uncalled-for cheap shots.

Prediction: Third place, 80 points

Columbus Blue Jackets — This severely-mismanaged team is where Good Players Go To Die. Ridiculously talented players like Adam Foote, Sergei Federov and, now, Michael Peca, have made Columbus the Talent Graveyard of the NHL. Even with head coach extraordinaire Ken Hitchcock calling the shots, it’s highly likely this team will go bankrupt or relocate before they ever achieve any measure of NHL success. No team in the league would not want the Blue Jackets in their division: although they occasionally play at the level their high draft picks and marquee free agents were meant to compete at, those games are few and far between. There are a handful of talented young guys like Nash and Hainsey that can make a game interesting, but for the most part, all the other Central teams (other than Chicago, of course) can chalk up 6-8 W’s automatically on their schedule thanks to Columbus.

Prediction: Fourth place, 71 points

Chicago Blackhawks — While in my heart I will always pick this team to go 82-0, in real life this is clearly the most mis-managed team in all of professional sports. And I’m including the Titans of Terrible Teams –LA Clippers, Detroit Lions, Tampa Bay Devil Rays– in this comparison, because none of those teams is as poorly run as the Suckhawks (can’t refer to them as the Blacksucks here… it’s a family paper). Fans of other teams need to look at owner Bill Wirtz, and bow down and worship the gods of hockey every morning that they are blessed with Anyone Else running their team. No one has proven themselves more utterly, criminally incompetent than Wirtz, who has graduated from “doddering moron” to “evil team-wrecking genius” over the past few seasons of incomprehensible idiocy. Wirtz will no doubt point to this year’s team and say they are primed for a Cup run, with names such as Borque, Brodeur and Tanguay in the lineup. Just don’t tell him that we’re talking about Rene Borque, Mike Brodeur and Maxime Tanguay. The people of the once hockey-mad city of Chicago have let Wirtz know, avoiding Blackhawks games like they were Random Fan Human Sacrifice Night. But Wirtz still doesn’t seem to get it –or worse– he gets it completely, hates the people of Chicago for some unfathomable reason and continues to destroy this team for his own infernal purposes. This is a team with no future or present: and the past is rapidly fading away, with strings of playoff runs being replaced by memories of players passing into walls, goalies needing diaper changes and games with announced attendances that would embarrass the Expos.

Prediction: Fifth place, 58 points

Northwest Division

Vancouver Canucks — Essentially the same team that showed up last year, revolutionizing the sport with their “6 Goalie” system in which Roberto “No-Schlong-o” Luongo stood in net with all five players in the crease at all times forming a human wall. This team-first, goals-second philosophy proved effective enough to win this ultra-balanced division last year, and this year’s squad should be no different. With defensive stalwarts like Kevin Bieksa, Willie Mitchell and Aaron Miller, this should once again be one of the single most frustrating teams to play against in the league. And that Bertuzzi-for-Luongo trade the Canucks made last year might well prove to be the NHL’s Herschel Walker trade –don’t be surprised if, 2-3 years from now, Bertuzzi is once again playing wing on Naslund’s top line.

Prediction: First place, 103 points

Colorado Avalanche — This schizophrenic team is loaded with talent at every position except for goalie — and their disappointing record last year showed this. With the conference’s best group of forwards, along with some of the conference’s best-at-one-time defensive prospects like Hannan, Jillson and Leopold, this should be an invincible team. But alas!– their goaltending duo of Peter Budaj and Jose Theodore always seem to give up back-breaking goals at the most inopportune times. How many times have Avs fans sat and watched their team score the go-ahead goal with two minutes left, only to see Theodore let one in from the blue line 23 seconds later, and then get schooled in the resulting shootout? Or watched as Budaj –possessed by the puck-handling poltergeist of former goalie Patrick Roy– stick-handled the puck directly to an opposing forward camped in front of his own net? Until the goaltending situation is “resolved” — which it won’t be– this will be a Western Conference team trapped in a Eastern Conference body. Oh, it might also help if some of those talented forwards –I’m talking to you, Hejduk, Stastny and Wolski– actually went back into their own zone to help a brother out from time to time.

Prediction: Second place, 102 points

Calgary Flames — This is another team, like the Canucks, that relies heavily on being irritating to play against. With godlike Kiprusoff in goal, and one of the most solid d-corps in the league, it really just boils down to actually getting as much as a goal or two a game from the forwards that will define this team’s 2007-08 season. Last year they had four players with more than 77 points. That’s not the problem. This problem is that teams with four guys scoring 80 points and eight guys combining for another 40 will sink a team’s offense. Anyone can stop Calgary’s offense if they concentrate on Iginla, Tanguay, Huselius and Langkow. Without anyone else on the forward’s role-call stepping up, this will once again be a team that has to rely on referees giving the home team a power play advantage every night in order to win games. It’s a pretty pathetic team to watch, but their amazing defense and goaltending should be enough to get them back into the playoffs, where they will once again be paper tigers and easy fodder for a team that isn’t afraid to score goals on the road.

Prediction: Third place, 97 points

Minnesota Wild — The Wild could be this year’s surprise team, a speed-driven, hard-hitting defense-first team that pounces on other team’s mistakes and deposits them into the back of the net. More than likely, however, the Wild will once again waste their superb roster with Scared Cat Hockey: getting turnovers in the neutral zone, and dumping it in for a change at every opportunity. Doing this in the regular season earned them a playoff spot last year, as well as inflated goals-against stats: when they tried this style of hockey in the playoffs, they looked like craven cowards, and seemed to have completely given up all hope halfway through their series. This should be one of the most fun-to-watch teams in the conference, talent-wise: yet, every year, they disappoint on a high level. Keeping all five guys back is not exciting defensive hockey. Nor is endlessly hooking, clutching and tripping “great defense.” Teams that play like they don’t belong in the league will, eventually, not belong in the league (see: Washington Capitals). If the Wild do make it into the final playoff spots, they will once again be fodder for a real team, unless something drastic occurs in their locker room or coaching staff.

Prediction: Fourth place, 95 points

Edmonton Oilers — Gone are the days when this team meant something other than wild last-second finishes against the Stars. This was the lowest-scoring team in the NHL last season, and they traded away their top scorer and team leader for –what, exactly? Trying to overpay other team’s RFAs was a dick move, and one that could backfire on the Oilers, as they continue their slide from ESPN Prominence to Versus Afterthought. Could this team actually get any worse? Can their “star” goaltender Dwayne Roloson improve on last year’s 2.75 GAA? This is a young team, poorly-coached, and should be a joy for other teams to play…once again.

Prediction: Fifth place, 68 points

Pacific Division

Look! The Sports Illustrated bus is here!

Look! The Sports Illustrated bus is here!

Dallas Stars — Yeah, yeah, total homer pick here, but it makes sense to me. Unlike those “teams” you cobble together in your fantasy leagues or on EA Sports, a group of individuals needs time to gel, find their roles, and accept the dictates of the leadership before they can be successful. Other than some fourth-line pickups and some hungry young guys, this is essentially the same team as last year’s team that was just 3 measly points behind Anaheim and one win behind San Jose in the standings. And that was after having played 49 of 82 games without their two most productive forwards, Modano and Morrow. Every year the national sports media writes this team off, many even predicting that they will not even make the playoffs — and every year, the Stars compete for first place in hockey’s single-toughest division. This year will be no different, with the top three teams slugging it out like huge, hairy behemoths in gladitorial combat. When the cloud of dust settles and all else is said and done, Anaheim, San Jose and Dallas will all be within 3-4 points of each other in the standings, and one will eventually go on to win the Stanley Cup. My $.02 says that with seasoned vets like Zubov and Lehtinen leading the way for youngsters like Grossman and Lundqvist, this will once again be a point-producing machine in the regular season. Playoffs, on the other hand, are another matter…

Prediction: First place, 110 points

San Jose Sharks — Big, fast, aggressive and smart, this team continues to piss me off with their winning team-building philosophy –then fill me with unbridled joy when they inevitably collapse in the playoffs. Actually, come to think of it, Sharks fans doubtless feel the same way about the Stars. At any rate, this team punishes its opponents like the Ducks, scores in bunches when teams retaliate, and has the goaltending to make up for any lapses of judgment in the forward core. Thornton and Cheechoo may be two of the worst defensive forwards in the game, but with guys like McLaren and Vlasic back there to clean up, it’s usually not a problem. This team will compete for the division crown all year, but ultimately, getting rid of Toskala in net will cost them precious points in the end, and the Sharks will once again match up against some upper-echelon team that will clean their clocks in the postseason.

Prediction: Second place, 108 points

Anaheim Mighty Ducks — Even without Selanne or Niedermeyer, this team is still “mighty” to me, and in some ways may actually be better without those two old guys. Their defense, even without Scotty, is one of the best in the NHL, and their high-flying forwards smash into opposing players like crazed berserkers with a taste for human blood. This team plays smart defensive hockey, yet is able to mount seamless offensive surges with perfect forechecking, physical play and fearless forays in front of the net. Not insignificantly, the Ducks also lead the league in fights by a wide margin: this is a team that is using the best elements of old-school hockey, combined with fast-skating forwards and tons of skill. They’re so solid up front that their one true weakness, J.S. Giguere’s shaky goaltending, is hardly ever exposed. If the Ducks play without Selanne and/or Niedermeyer –or, even worse for other Pacific teams, Selanne and/or Niedermeyer take 80% of the season off, joining the team late in the spring for a fresh playoff push– this will once again be the Ducks’ Cup to lose.

Prediction: Third place, 108 points

Los Angeles Kings — For some inexplicable reason, the Kings are most hockey writers’ picks to surge through the ranks this year. Yet, when you look at their roster, it’s nothing but a collection of other team’s castoffs, that their previous employers were only too happy to dump at the first opportunity. Does that sound like a winning formula to you? If so, then you’ve been watching way too many sports movies where a ragtag bunch of misfits win the big game with one out in the ninth inning when their biggest offensive liability hits an unlikely grand slam to win the championship. What’s that you say? You don’t actually own any other DVDs than the ho-tard movies I just described? You may want to look in your mailbox — a check from Sports Illustrated is probably in there for you. Also, your nose is running again, and try and get your na-na to change those Depends you’ve had on since 1974.

Prediction: Fourth place, 80 points

Phoenix Coyotes — I really wanted to rank them higher than the Kings, I really did. There are some of my favorite players in the entire NHL on this roster. No team in their right mind would not want players like Keith Ballard and Shane Doan, and I still have a soft spot for underrated defensive forward Niko Kapanen. Unfortunately, this team also has guys like Derek Morris and David Aebischer in leadership roles — hence, another last-place finish and more gray hairs for once-handsome Coach Gretzky. In the Pacific Division, you’d better be amazing, or you’re going to fail utterly.

Prediction: Fifth place, 74 points

So there you have it: carved into the living rock, my predictions for 2007-08. Now, if the Preds somehow put up 123 points while the Ducks fall to Flyers-territory at 54 points, you can look up what I said in this column, point at me, and laugh heartily as I cower in shame. Tune in next week when Peter King finally gets fed up, comes to my house and beats the shit out of me.


Professional NFL Expert Picks – Week 10

November 11, 2009

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week. Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our panel of perfect prognosticators — Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock — will bring the pain each and every week.

MS Paint: Graphics Program of Champions

MS Paint: Graphics Program of Champions

As an added bonus, we have included three competing methodologies. The first is the return of “Mascot War,” in which we discuss which team’s actual moniker would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild. Besides being easily the most controversial aspect of this feature, it will probably also be a constant source of embarrassment as our picks routinely show up.

The second and third methodologies are perhaps equally arcane and mysterious to the average NFL fan. There is the “Occult Pick,” in which our experts use the forbidden art of divination to predict each week’s winner; and “Fashion War,” in which Todd’s wife selects each victor based on the relative superiority of each team’s uniforms.

Most of these picks need no explanation: However, our panel has provided some commentary (footnotes and indexing to follow) for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.

Todd M: Bear versus 49er — In this classic pitched battle to the death, geography means everything. On neutral ground, the 49er –with his intimidating arsenal of pick, rope and flashlight– should easily be able to startle and confuse the Bear: and there’s nothing less dangerous than a startled and confused Bear. But this week’s pitched battle to the death occurs on the 49er’s home turf, i.e. deep in a mine shaft. Take that Bear, shine a flashlight in his eyes and put him in a confined space… and things don’t seem so pleasant anymore for the decadent denizen of the dark depths. Bear over 49er


Professional NFL Expert Picks – Week 9

November 6, 2009

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week. Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our panel of perfect prognosticators — Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock — will bring the pain each and every week.

Our Graphics & Necromancy Department brought Picasso back to life to make this awe-inspiring graphic.

Our Graphics & Necromancy Department brought Picasso back to life to make this awe-inspiring graphic.

As an added bonus, we have included three competing methodologies. The first is the return of “Mascot War,” in which we discuss which team’s actual moniker would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild. Besides being easily the most controversial aspect of this feature, it will probably also be a constant source of embarrassment as our picks routinely show up.

The second and third methodologies are perhaps equally arcane and mysterious to the average NFL fan. There is the “Occult Pick,” in which our experts use the forbidden art of divination to predict each week’s winner; and “Fashion War,” in which Todd’s wife selects each victor based on the relative superiority of each team’s uniforms.

Most of these picks need no explanation: However, our panel has provided some commentary (footnotes and indexing to follow) for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.

Todd M: Giant versus Charger — In previous pitched battles to the death, the Giant has almost always emerged victorious, soaked to the bone in the blood and bile of his hapless victim. This is because it is never a good idea to enter a pitched battle to the death with an adjective: the Giant’s innate corporeal flexibility perfectly lends itself to homicidal rampage. But this week’s opponent, the also-elusive Charger, has the upper hand in this war, as it can pump its enemy with enough electrical current to fry a horse, a house or even a mountain range. And that goes double for a giant horse, a giant house or a giant interstellar mountain range: the carnage from this week just might spill into neighboring galaxies, dousing unsuspecting lifeforms in massive, Cajun-style innards. Charger over Giant