Originally printed September 13th, 2007. Without going down each and every prediction I made two years ago [I believe I did that twice over the course of the season anyways], I think I was spot-on on most of ‘em. Also got to use my favorite insult that no one else really seems to ‘get’: Hotard. More importantly, I gotta make this short ’cause I’m seeing Dethklok and Mastodon to-night at the House of Blues, and am getting mentally ready to rock my own face off.
Good morning, hockey fans! While you were sleeping off the mind-numbing effects of last week’s column exposing the Leastern Conference, I was already doing research into the only real hockey conference out there: the QMJHL. No, wait– the Western Conference, heretofore to be referred to as the “Bestern Conference,” and not just because all Western teams have to spend copious amounts of time in Best Westerns across the country (while their pansified Eastern counterparts cry about having to walk to each others’ stadiums). There’s just something infinitely better about Western-style hockey over the Masturbating Dinosaurs Chewing on Pucks that passes for “professional” hockey in the east. While the typical eastern conference defenseman struggles to discover the difference between joining the rush and licking the ice off his balls, the typical Western defenseman is adept at busting a forecheck, making a clean pass out of his zone to an open forward, and getting up with enough speed to be the late man on a layered offensive attack. Do any Flyers fans even know what I just said?
Even more telling is the difference in forward play. In the East, forwards are there to make sure their team gets mentioned on Sportscenter at least once a week (once every half-hour if you’re Pittsburgh or the Rangers). Forwards cherry-pick at the center stripe, waiting for their outnumbered teammates to get them the puck, skate down the ice really fast (more often than not, losing the puck in their blinding, glistening skates), before trying some dipsy-doodle move on the goaltender that results in a goal 5% of the time. Then it’s the other team’s turn. And whoever scores more dinky-dork goals after 60 minutes wins the game! Isn’t that amazing?! It’s got all the excitement of a tennis game, except with far more play stoppages and unpronounceable Central European names!
Meanwhile, in the West, individuals going it alone so that they can preen and point to themselves on highlight reels are usually met with a solid shoulder to the schnoz. With relatively few exceptions, which we will be discussing shortly, Western teams play team-oriented defense, team-oriented offense and even support their goalie, rather than leaving him on an island after a long rush up-ice. While the “talent” levels may favor the East –provided you define “talent” as “the act of scoring 100 points a year, yet strangely having a negative plus-minus and a team that folds in five games in the first round of an uninspired playoffs”– the “team” concept is alive and well in the West, which means that, once again, the team that wins the West will invariably take home the Stanley Cup this year.
Detroit goaltender Dominik Hasek and his girlfriend Nick Lidstrom make quite an imposing couple
(Note to potentially-angry emailers: there are a handful of teams in the East that do not fit my description. New Jersey, Buffalo, and the Islanders probably all belong in the West. We’ll gladly trade Nashville, LA and the Suckhawks, since their styles don’t quite fit over here.)
So without further ado, here are my predictions for the upcoming Western Conference Slugfest ‘08!
Central Division
Detroit Red Wings — After years of starting players in their late 50s and 60s, this team continues to dominate the regular season before, like clockwork, crumpling like a sexually-confused origami swan in the playoffs. This is probably due to the level of competition they are “stuck” with: the Central is usually the least impressive division in hockey, and certainly the weakest in the West. Playing cupcakes like Nashville and Chicago 32 times a year is like spotting Henrik Zetterberg 64 Free Goals: then he gets to the playoffs, where a Ducks defenseman dislocates his nose to the other side of his face, and viola!– instant playoff suckage. This year will be no different, as the Central continues to be the conference’s whipping boy. Detroit’s cadre of really old guys and not-so-young-anymore stars will once again tear through this division like a +2 battleaxe through a small child, leaving the Red Wings with more points than any other team in hockey.
Prediction: First place, 118 points
St. Louis Blues — As anyone who has any real life experiences whatsoever knows, “Everything rises and falls on leadership.” Fortunately for the Blues, they have one of the most underrated coaches in the NHL in Andy Murray, and regardless of the “talent” level on their roster, the Blues will bring any and every opponent to their level of play every night. Sure, there will be the 7-1 blowouts at the hands of the Red Wings… but there will also be the soul-crushing 2-2 shootout wins over the Red Wings later in the season –hopefully after some flashy goal by Franzen gets disallowed. The Blues’ lineup may not be anything special, but a team of nobodies playing together will almost always beat a team of superior individuals playing with their own agendas. Murray is the perfect coach for this team, which should surprise a lot of clueless NHL pundits. Heck, they might even surprise me by going 1-80-1.
Prediction: Second place, 87 points
Nashville Predators — Anyone that looks at this trainwreck of a team is either laughing hysterically or staring in shocked disbelief. The poster-boy for whiny, privileged teams is finally going to bite the proverbial dust this season. Don’t get me wrong — I used to love the Preds. They were once a fast, exciting, energetic team on the rise, with a cool coach that hilariously had no neck. But over the last 3-4 years, something changed in the culture in Nashville. They became a-holes, concerned more with padding their regular season stats than doing what was in the league’s best interests. Their fans stopped showing up to games, even as the Preds put up mind-numbing point totals. And then they went ahead and made Mr. Show-Up-When-I-Damn-Well-Want-To, Jason Arnott, their team captain. Mini-prediction: the Preds will discover that they have made a big mistake in Arnott by mid-November, as they raid his room and find Alexei Yashin FatHead posters covering the walls. Also, dumping one of the league’s top goalies, Vokoun, was a huge mistake. Fans should hope and pray that their games against Nashville occur early on in the season, while they still have a mathematical chance at the playoffs, because any games late in the year will be Open Season on your top forwards, as Nashville’s cadre of unlikeable thugs earn their bonuses with uncalled-for cheap shots.
Prediction: Third place, 80 points
Columbus Blue Jackets — This severely-mismanaged team is where Good Players Go To Die. Ridiculously talented players like Adam Foote, Sergei Federov and, now, Michael Peca, have made Columbus the Talent Graveyard of the NHL. Even with head coach extraordinaire Ken Hitchcock calling the shots, it’s highly likely this team will go bankrupt or relocate before they ever achieve any measure of NHL success. No team in the league would not want the Blue Jackets in their division: although they occasionally play at the level their high draft picks and marquee free agents were meant to compete at, those games are few and far between. There are a handful of talented young guys like Nash and Hainsey that can make a game interesting, but for the most part, all the other Central teams (other than Chicago, of course) can chalk up 6-8 W’s automatically on their schedule thanks to Columbus.
Prediction: Fourth place, 71 points
Chicago Blackhawks — While in my heart I will always pick this team to go 82-0, in real life this is clearly the most mis-managed team in all of professional sports. And I’m including the Titans of Terrible Teams –LA Clippers, Detroit Lions, Tampa Bay Devil Rays– in this comparison, because none of those teams is as poorly run as the Suckhawks (can’t refer to them as the Blacksucks here… it’s a family paper). Fans of other teams need to look at owner Bill Wirtz, and bow down and worship the gods of hockey every morning that they are blessed with Anyone Else running their team. No one has proven themselves more utterly, criminally incompetent than Wirtz, who has graduated from “doddering moron” to “evil team-wrecking genius” over the past few seasons of incomprehensible idiocy. Wirtz will no doubt point to this year’s team and say they are primed for a Cup run, with names such as Borque, Brodeur and Tanguay in the lineup. Just don’t tell him that we’re talking about Rene Borque, Mike Brodeur and Maxime Tanguay. The people of the once hockey-mad city of Chicago have let Wirtz know, avoiding Blackhawks games like they were Random Fan Human Sacrifice Night. But Wirtz still doesn’t seem to get it –or worse– he gets it completely, hates the people of Chicago for some unfathomable reason and continues to destroy this team for his own infernal purposes. This is a team with no future or present: and the past is rapidly fading away, with strings of playoff runs being replaced by memories of players passing into walls, goalies needing diaper changes and games with announced attendances that would embarrass the Expos.
Prediction: Fifth place, 58 points
Northwest Division
Vancouver Canucks — Essentially the same team that showed up last year, revolutionizing the sport with their “6 Goalie” system in which Roberto “No-Schlong-o” Luongo stood in net with all five players in the crease at all times forming a human wall. This team-first, goals-second philosophy proved effective enough to win this ultra-balanced division last year, and this year’s squad should be no different. With defensive stalwarts like Kevin Bieksa, Willie Mitchell and Aaron Miller, this should once again be one of the single most frustrating teams to play against in the league. And that Bertuzzi-for-Luongo trade the Canucks made last year might well prove to be the NHL’s Herschel Walker trade –don’t be surprised if, 2-3 years from now, Bertuzzi is once again playing wing on Naslund’s top line.
Prediction: First place, 103 points
Colorado Avalanche — This schizophrenic team is loaded with talent at every position except for goalie — and their disappointing record last year showed this. With the conference’s best group of forwards, along with some of the conference’s best-at-one-time defensive prospects like Hannan, Jillson and Leopold, this should be an invincible team. But alas!– their goaltending duo of Peter Budaj and Jose Theodore always seem to give up back-breaking goals at the most inopportune times. How many times have Avs fans sat and watched their team score the go-ahead goal with two minutes left, only to see Theodore let one in from the blue line 23 seconds later, and then get schooled in the resulting shootout? Or watched as Budaj –possessed by the puck-handling poltergeist of former goalie Patrick Roy– stick-handled the puck directly to an opposing forward camped in front of his own net? Until the goaltending situation is “resolved” — which it won’t be– this will be a Western Conference team trapped in a Eastern Conference body. Oh, it might also help if some of those talented forwards –I’m talking to you, Hejduk, Stastny and Wolski– actually went back into their own zone to help a brother out from time to time.
Prediction: Second place, 102 points
Calgary Flames — This is another team, like the Canucks, that relies heavily on being irritating to play against. With godlike Kiprusoff in goal, and one of the most solid d-corps in the league, it really just boils down to actually getting as much as a goal or two a game from the forwards that will define this team’s 2007-08 season. Last year they had four players with more than 77 points. That’s not the problem. This problem is that teams with four guys scoring 80 points and eight guys combining for another 40 will sink a team’s offense. Anyone can stop Calgary’s offense if they concentrate on Iginla, Tanguay, Huselius and Langkow. Without anyone else on the forward’s role-call stepping up, this will once again be a team that has to rely on referees giving the home team a power play advantage every night in order to win games. It’s a pretty pathetic team to watch, but their amazing defense and goaltending should be enough to get them back into the playoffs, where they will once again be paper tigers and easy fodder for a team that isn’t afraid to score goals on the road.
Prediction: Third place, 97 points
Minnesota Wild — The Wild could be this year’s surprise team, a speed-driven, hard-hitting defense-first team that pounces on other team’s mistakes and deposits them into the back of the net. More than likely, however, the Wild will once again waste their superb roster with Scared Cat Hockey: getting turnovers in the neutral zone, and dumping it in for a change at every opportunity. Doing this in the regular season earned them a playoff spot last year, as well as inflated goals-against stats: when they tried this style of hockey in the playoffs, they looked like craven cowards, and seemed to have completely given up all hope halfway through their series. This should be one of the most fun-to-watch teams in the conference, talent-wise: yet, every year, they disappoint on a high level. Keeping all five guys back is not exciting defensive hockey. Nor is endlessly hooking, clutching and tripping “great defense.” Teams that play like they don’t belong in the league will, eventually, not belong in the league (see: Washington Capitals). If the Wild do make it into the final playoff spots, they will once again be fodder for a real team, unless something drastic occurs in their locker room or coaching staff.
Prediction: Fourth place, 95 points
Edmonton Oilers — Gone are the days when this team meant something other than wild last-second finishes against the Stars. This was the lowest-scoring team in the NHL last season, and they traded away their top scorer and team leader for –what, exactly? Trying to overpay other team’s RFAs was a dick move, and one that could backfire on the Oilers, as they continue their slide from ESPN Prominence to Versus Afterthought. Could this team actually get any worse? Can their “star” goaltender Dwayne Roloson improve on last year’s 2.75 GAA? This is a young team, poorly-coached, and should be a joy for other teams to play…once again.
Prediction: Fifth place, 68 points
Pacific Division
Look! The Sports Illustrated bus is here!
Dallas Stars — Yeah, yeah, total homer pick here, but it makes sense to me. Unlike those “teams” you cobble together in your fantasy leagues or on EA Sports, a group of individuals needs time to gel, find their roles, and accept the dictates of the leadership before they can be successful. Other than some fourth-line pickups and some hungry young guys, this is essentially the same team as last year’s team that was just 3 measly points behind Anaheim and one win behind San Jose in the standings. And that was after having played 49 of 82 games without their two most productive forwards, Modano and Morrow. Every year the national sports media writes this team off, many even predicting that they will not even make the playoffs — and every year, the Stars compete for first place in hockey’s single-toughest division. This year will be no different, with the top three teams slugging it out like huge, hairy behemoths in gladitorial combat. When the cloud of dust settles and all else is said and done, Anaheim, San Jose and Dallas will all be within 3-4 points of each other in the standings, and one will eventually go on to win the Stanley Cup. My $.02 says that with seasoned vets like Zubov and Lehtinen leading the way for youngsters like Grossman and Lundqvist, this will once again be a point-producing machine in the regular season. Playoffs, on the other hand, are another matter…
Prediction: First place, 110 points
San Jose Sharks — Big, fast, aggressive and smart, this team continues to piss me off with their winning team-building philosophy –then fill me with unbridled joy when they inevitably collapse in the playoffs. Actually, come to think of it, Sharks fans doubtless feel the same way about the Stars. At any rate, this team punishes its opponents like the Ducks, scores in bunches when teams retaliate, and has the goaltending to make up for any lapses of judgment in the forward core. Thornton and Cheechoo may be two of the worst defensive forwards in the game, but with guys like McLaren and Vlasic back there to clean up, it’s usually not a problem. This team will compete for the division crown all year, but ultimately, getting rid of Toskala in net will cost them precious points in the end, and the Sharks will once again match up against some upper-echelon team that will clean their clocks in the postseason.
Prediction: Second place, 108 points
Anaheim Mighty Ducks — Even without Selanne or Niedermeyer, this team is still “mighty” to me, and in some ways may actually be better without those two old guys. Their defense, even without Scotty, is one of the best in the NHL, and their high-flying forwards smash into opposing players like crazed berserkers with a taste for human blood. This team plays smart defensive hockey, yet is able to mount seamless offensive surges with perfect forechecking, physical play and fearless forays in front of the net. Not insignificantly, the Ducks also lead the league in fights by a wide margin: this is a team that is using the best elements of old-school hockey, combined with fast-skating forwards and tons of skill. They’re so solid up front that their one true weakness, J.S. Giguere’s shaky goaltending, is hardly ever exposed. If the Ducks play without Selanne and/or Niedermeyer –or, even worse for other Pacific teams, Selanne and/or Niedermeyer take 80% of the season off, joining the team late in the spring for a fresh playoff push– this will once again be the Ducks’ Cup to lose.
Prediction: Third place, 108 points
Los Angeles Kings — For some inexplicable reason, the Kings are most hockey writers’ picks to surge through the ranks this year. Yet, when you look at their roster, it’s nothing but a collection of other team’s castoffs, that their previous employers were only too happy to dump at the first opportunity. Does that sound like a winning formula to you? If so, then you’ve been watching way too many sports movies where a ragtag bunch of misfits win the big game with one out in the ninth inning when their biggest offensive liability hits an unlikely grand slam to win the championship. What’s that you say? You don’t actually own any other DVDs than the ho-tard movies I just described? You may want to look in your mailbox — a check from Sports Illustrated is probably in there for you. Also, your nose is running again, and try and get your na-na to change those Depends you’ve had on since 1974.
Prediction: Fourth place, 80 points
Phoenix Coyotes — I really wanted to rank them higher than the Kings, I really did. There are some of my favorite players in the entire NHL on this roster. No team in their right mind would not want players like Keith Ballard and Shane Doan, and I still have a soft spot for underrated defensive forward Niko Kapanen. Unfortunately, this team also has guys like Derek Morris and David Aebischer in leadership roles — hence, another last-place finish and more gray hairs for once-handsome Coach Gretzky. In the Pacific Division, you’d better be amazing, or you’re going to fail utterly.
Prediction: Fifth place, 74 points
So there you have it: carved into the living rock, my predictions for 2007-08. Now, if the Preds somehow put up 123 points while the Ducks fall to Flyers-territory at 54 points, you can look up what I said in this column, point at me, and laugh heartily as I cower in shame. Tune in next week when Peter King finally gets fed up, comes to my house and beats the shit out of me.
Posted by tmaterno 
Posted by tmaterno 
Posted by tmaterno 
