Greetings, impatient hockey fans! Last week we graded the Dallas Stars free agent signings with the Fine-Toothed Comb of Sweeping Generalizations. But there was one crucial omission from that all-encompassing report (two actually): the enigmatic Crazy Ivan himself, the Professor of Smoove, the Boss Cow from Moscow: Sergei Zubov.
Zubov has been characteristically silent as a KGB assassin about his NHL (KHL?) future, and you have to figure that if someone was going to throw a serious wad of cash his way, it would’ve happened by now. His agent, Jay “Don’t Call My Rex” Grossman said 6-7 teams are interested (although really, it should be more like 30), and that Zubs will be 100% by the start of the season.
Pictured: Joe Nieuwendyk sports his lucky letter-opener
Now, it may seem like high heresy to Stars fans to even think of Sergei wearing another team’s jersey –but with little to no word coming from, well, any source ever, I took it upon myself to test the boundaries of that two-mile restraining order (I swear that stupid judge with the god complex took it out on me personally after I made that joke about his unborn child), and, disguised as Valeri Bure, I was able to infiltrate Stars High Command and get a glimpse of the back workings of any possible Zubovian deal.
STARS HIGH COMMAND: SHINY NEW GM JOE NIEUWENDYK’S THRONE ROOM
LORD NIEUWENDYK: mutters to self ..now where did I leave that napkin?
A cowering man in rags enters, bows furtively
BRETT HULL IN TATTERS: Lord Nieuwendyk, Master of All He Surveys! We have a visitor! A great warrior from the distant past!
LORD NIEUWENDYK: Enter!
A swarthy, mysterious man effortlessly glides into the room. Armed ninjas try and stop him, but are somehow deked out of their clothes as the silent stranger breezes past them
LORD NIEUWENDYK: Who is The One who can make my ninjas look like fat little girls?
SILENT STRANGER: (says nothing)
BRETT HULL IN TATTERS: His name is Zubov, our Lordship! Sergei Zubov! He comes from afar!
LORD NIEUWENDYK: Ahhh, my old friend! It is good to see you after all these years.
SERGEI ZUBOV: (nods quietly) I have come for work. I wish to join you in your upcoming campaign against the Duck-Men of the West. My weapons crave the blood of the cannibals from San Jose. And I have unfinished business with the Red Men of the North.
"Go ahead, tovarich --make my dayski"
LORD NIEUWENDYK: We could certainly use a killing machine of your caliber, Sergei! How are your recent battle injuries?
SERGEI ZUBOV: By the beginning of your campaign, I will be 100%.
LORD NIEUWENDYK: Excellent!
SERGEI ZUBOV: …and I demand forty fist-sized rubies, thirty Belorussian whores and a hovercraft in payment.
LORD NIEUWENDYK: (pauses, looks uncomfortable) N-n-n-now Sergei, even I have heard of the devastating blow you took to your hip recently, and with your advanced age…
SERGEI ZUBOV: (narrows eyes) What are you trying to say, old friend?
LORD NIEUWENDYK: (looses wolf pelt, squirms awkwardly in skull-encased throne) It’s just that, you know, that’s a lot of rubies…and whores…
BRETT HULL IN TATTERS: But our treasury is empty! We can’t affo–
LORD NIEUWENDYK: Silence, insolent cur!! pulls lever, Hull screams and falls to the ground doubled in pain. I apologize for that, my friend. But we recently spent twice our treasury on Emperor Hicks‘ failed irrigation experiment, and it’s just that–
SERGEI ZUBOV: Hmmpf. I suppose I can take my talent elsewhere. The rich port cities of the East will gladly pay twice what I have asked here to-day.
LORD NIEUWENDYK: (nervously fingers scepter) We can offer you a special deal, where you keep what you kill? I hear the cannibals of San Jose have numerous ingenious trinkets and gadgets, and the Duck-Men of the West have innumerable whores, with breasts of sand and skin smoother than the finest lamb skins in our best tanneries.
SERGEI ZUBOV: I will ponder your offer while restlessly wandering the steppes. Good-day, Lord Joe (turns to smoke, slips through the cracks in the floorboards)
LORD NIEUWENDYK: I feel like my best was not enough. I have failed Emperor Hicks.
LES JACKSON: (emerges from shadows behind the throne) My Lord, there is another…
LORD NIEUWENDYK: (startles from chair) What’s this? Who?! Show him to me!
IVAN VISHNEVSKIY: (steps over two ninja corpses with supernatural grace) My liege….
To Be Continued…
Well, there you have it, top-notch investigative journalism with a modern twist. Tune in next week when I laud the Stars for their progressive, all-inclusive views on sexuality after signing winger Alex Tanguay to a three-year, $12 million contract.
