Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week. Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our panel of perfect prognosticators — Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock — will bring the pain each and every week.
Our Graphics & Necromancy Department brought Picasso back to life to make this awe-inspiring graphic.
As an added bonus, we have included three competing methodologies. The first is the return of “Mascot War,” in which we discuss which team’s actual moniker would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild. Besides being easily the most controversial aspect of this feature, it will probably also be a constant source of embarrassment as our picks routinely show up.
The second and third methodologies are perhaps equally arcane and mysterious to the average NFL fan. There is the “Occult Pick,” in which our experts use the forbidden art of divination to predict each week’s winner; and “Fashion War,” in which Todd’s wife selects each victor based on the relative superiority of each team’s uniforms.
Most of these picks need no explanation: However, our panel has provided some commentary (footnotes and indexing to follow) for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.
Todd M: Giant versus Charger — In previous pitched battles to the death, the Giant has almost always emerged victorious, soaked to the bone in the blood and bile of his hapless victim. This is because it is never a good idea to enter a pitched battle to the death with an adjective: the Giant’s innate corporeal flexibility perfectly lends itself to homicidal rampage. But this week’s opponent, the also-elusive Charger, has the upper hand in this war, as it can pump its enemy with enough electrical current to fry a horse, a house or even a mountain range. And that goes double for a giant horse, a giant house or a giant interstellar mountain range: the carnage from this week just might spill into neighboring galaxies, dousing unsuspecting lifeforms in massive, Cajun-style innards. Charger over Giant
