After an hour or so of research, I collected about 70-80 fantasy publishers using Google. Not surprising, all the agents’ websites say fantasy is doing relatively well in a publishing market going the way of the record and newspaper industries (the two industries I’m most familiar with over the past half-decade). The weird thing, tho:

40% of these publishers’ websites no longer function. I tried searching for three of them with no luck before giving up on the other 30 or so dead links. It’s fair to assume most of these have gone out of business.

As in, recently.

Of the remaining 45 or so, 4… FOUR… are open to manuscripts from first-time authors. Every. Single. One. of the rest were not accepting submissions. Needless to say, DAW was one of the exceptional few still looking at new authors.

And that’s when I realized that all this recent talk from guys like Joe konrath and whatnot about authors needing to skip the dying publishing industry and go straight to eBooks… they might have something there. After knocking my head against the idiotic financial model of the music industry for two and a half years, I was shocked at the stunning similarities between the two rapidly-failing business models. Both the music industry and the book industry rely entirely on a handful of top-earners (U2, Britney Spears, John Grisham, J.k. Rowling) to make revenue. I don’t have a problem with that: businesses need to milk their cash cows as efficiently as they can for as long as they can.

But both industries signed, exploited, then abandoned the “mid-list” artists in strikingly similar ways. In music, bands are signed all the time, promised the world and then told they need to jump through all sorts of ridiculous hoops just to get their already-made, already-paid for albums out to the public. In publishing, mid-list authors are put on the shelves for 6 to 8 weeks, then forgotten and pulped. Both artists receive an advance on royalties and literally nothing else. Both are exploited for no clear financial gain by anyone involved.

And that doesn’t even include the bottom of the food chain, new musicians and new authors who must fight tooth-and-nail to get even a single person to really review their work. Every recording company in Britain passed on both the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at least once. Every international bestseller in the book market had to overcome insane amounts of rejection before someone paid them any attention.

The fact that someone did is reassuring, but only slightly. J.K. Rowling went through 12 publishers before she finally found her champion. That’s 12 publishers who left billions on the floor. Same with Stephanie Meyer, etc etc.

But that ignores the real problem: the Gatekeeper Paradox. If Best Buy or Walmart operated on these same principles –say, they drive their entire revenue stream from HD TVs and let the other 96% of their inventory rot with no promotion whatsoever– we would never of heard about them because they would be out of business within weeks. McDonald’s doesn’t have a single $35 burger that everyone buys and an entire menu that they keep hidden out of sight of customers. Ford doesn’t have two cars costing $150,000 apiece that they advertise the hell out of and 45 cars that are more reasonable that they actively avoid selling.

With every agent’s blog about “rejection” they say “well, it’s a business.” That may be true, but it is a mind-numbingly poorly-run business. My novel EXMORTUS may not be the next Twilight or Harry Potter or Game of Thrones, but I wrote it, it reads well, it’s got a plot that moves, cliffhangers in nearly every chapter, and characters/settings/dialogue that I have yet to experience in any published fantasy setting. It’s not experimental, it’s pure fun, pulp fiction to be enjoyed, read and re-read. I’m not going to pretend it’s the next Brothers Karamazov or Moby Dick or Lord of the Rings.

But the three people who’ve read it enjoyed it. Tiny sample size, I know, but c’mon: if 43 agents specializing in “fantasy” –which I’m starting to believe must include vampires, werewolves and some overly-clever premise that you couldn’t pay me to waste two hours of my life reading– if those 43 agents can’t give me even a small smidgen of interest (and with all those fantasy publishers dropping like flies, who can blame them?), it may be time for me to just put EXMORTUS up on Smashwords and see what you, the readers, think.

I’ll give it a month or two. After that, it’s time.

Just waiting for Smashwords to resolve some technical issues, and it’ll be up. I just finished the cover design about two minutes ago.

Christian Ehrhoff responds to an offer of Chara-type money with well-earned scorn

With such an overabundance of Cup-winning talent sitting around doing nothing in the free agent pool, it can be tough to separate the wheat from the chaff. to make things slightly more complicated, the Stars are one of some 17 teams that are currently under the cap, and desperately needing to hit the cap floor. Here’s a handy guide to the best of the walking lottery tickets still available.

**The Forwards**

#1. Brad Richards

The Toddler: Like most of the top-ten offensive talent in the NHL, Richards dangles an impressive statsheet until you actually look at it. Easily one of the top passers in the game, Richards has played ten seasons in the league now and has never once crossed 30 goals, and only twice scored more than 79 points in a single season. A significant portion of his points (42%) have been collected on the power play –not bad in itself, but a sign that much of his slightly-less-than-a-point-per-game is a product of his position in the lineup. These are all quibbles, of course… unless you’re on the verge of investing upwards of $50 to $55 million on the guy. Throw in his lazy disregard for playing defense, the fact that he’s on the wrong side of the Bell Curve in terms of “peak years” and the Stars’ surprisingly stellar record for the last eight games he was injured (6-0-2), and you might have another Gomez/Redden/Drury/Jagr contract on your hands.

The Tiara: There’s a certain common theme to those four above-mentioned albatross contracts, although I can’t quite put my finger on it. Let’s just say that Richards will probably finally get that orbiting space station he’s always dreamed about, courtesy of one somehow-still-employed Blen Bather.

#2. Tim Connolly

The Toddler: Almost a point-a-game player when healthy, the “when healthy” bit hasn’t happened since 2003. Thanks to injuries and inconsistent play, Connolly has never once broken the vaunted 20-goal mark at the NHL level, although the always-tempting concept of “potential” may be too much for another club to resist.

The Tiara: There are only 60 top-two center positions in the NHL, and Connolly will land one of them, most likely back in Buffalo, and most likely for a short term contract with a slight raise over his current salary of $4.5 million, after which Connolly should thank the hockey gods that his UFA year just happened to fall in 2011.

#3. Ville Leino

The Toddler: An impressive First Real Season in the league, Leino tallied 53 points (previous high: 9) and rocked in the postseason. Unlike most of the other stiffs on this list, Leino’s just entering his prime, still has something to prove, and plays physical.

The Tiara: Leino was a steal last season while he made “just” $800k, but those days are long over for this Finn, especially in this weak free agent pool. Philly would probably love to sign him, but their insanity-based financial management style will probably scare him off into calmer waters elsewhere in the East.

#4. Simon Gagne

The Toddler: In his last three healthy seasons, Gagne scored 47, 41, and 34 goals. In his last three injury-plagued seasons, he scored 7, 17 and 17. While he may never return to the 40-goal skater he once was, it’s probably a safe bet that this oft-maligned 32 year old can contribute timely goals even if he does miss some significant time.

Pictured: the single-best way to get rich and/or build a hockey team

The Tiara: The number of guys on this list who have actually, physically scored 30+ goals in a season? Slim enough to warrant a big two-year contract with the LA Kings to play alongside former teammate Mike Richards, as Kings fans are given a reason to rue for the day when they had Wayne Simmonds in their top six.

#5 Joel Ward

The Toddler: Unlike most of the sink-or-swim types on this list, with Ward you know precisely what you are going to get: 30-35 points, a solid penalty-killing winger and, apparently, a postseason beast. In previous years a guy like that might be lucky to command a million a season. After last year’s playoffs, where Ward was the only Predator forward who bothered to show up against Vancouver, Ward has upped his value tremendously. Perfect timing, too, since Nashville will likely never make as deep a run as the second round ever again in franchise history.

The Tiara: The stars have aligned for Ward; expect a deep Cup contender with extra money to burn to bury him someplace on the third line until the playoffs start.

**The Defensemen**

#1. Christian Ehrhoff

The Toddler: Ehrhoff’s entire career up to this point has been one of frustration: frustration for his fantasy hockey owners for posting such underwhelming numbers despite playing with Joe Thornton and the Sedins his entire career… and frustration with his home town fans, who have to watch him get absolutely manhandled physically, hand out turnovers like he was a German bakery, make soul-crushing brainfarts in the dying minutes of close games and appear incapable of skating the puck out of his own zone if a forward is applying even minimal pressure on him.

The Tiara: That said, he did put up a career-high 50 points last season, something only eight other d-men were able to do. Expect some overspending sucker to lavish Lidstrom-level money on the guy –and then complain a year later when Ehrhoff is stuck at 25 points and a -33.

James Wisniewski

The Toddler: That rare combination of decent offensive prowess (51 points in his first-ever “mostly healthy” season) and actual defensive ability, whatever team lands The Wiz will be his fifth team in four years –which signifies another sort of problem altogether.

The Tiara: While he won’t command Ehrhoff-type overpayment, Wisniewski is the de facto gem in a substandard d-man market this season. And with some 17 or 18 teams under the cap floor –all of whom could use help on the powerplay, I imagine– Wiz will get his pick of contracts this season, possibly even in the $5 million range.

In Philadelphia, they wrote the book on free agent spending

Tomas Kaberle

The Toddler: A “coach killer” is a player who obviously has loads of talent, but consistently plays on poor teams: primarily because his impressive statistics come at the expense of a team effort. Other then perhaps Richards, no UFA this season measures up to Kaberle’s coach-killing resume. Few d-men in the game can consistently collect more powerplay assists –yet, every powerplay that Kaberle “quarterbacks” is a disappointment of Spiderman 3-proportions. Look up the word “soft” in the dictionary and you’ll see a small moist spot of dried Maple Leaf and Bruins’ fans tears next to a blank space representing Kaberle’s defensive presence. Sure, Kabs finally got to play in the postseason, and sure, he finally got a Stanley Cup. But remember the Bruins powerplay through three hard-fought, low-scoring playoff series (before they were gifted an Ehrhoff-led Canucks defense that enjoyed skating around in circles watching Bruins forwards crash the net): that powerplay was a joke of NHL record-setting proportions. And yet, Kaberle ended up with 11 assists… clearly he’s got incriminating photos of the official scorers and their ill-advised trip to a Cambodian brothel.

The Tiara: You’d think that NHL GMs, with salaries hundreds of times that of lowly hockey writers, would know more about what constitutes a “good” player from a “deceptively awful” one. This is the time of year when that notion is convincingly dispelled. Expect whichever team comes in a close second in the Ehrhoff Overpayment Sweepstakes to claim the “winner’s” sloppy seconds.

**Goaltenders**

Tomas Vokoun

The Toddler: Western Conference fans breathed a huge sigh of relief when Vokoun went out East –and continue to hope that he stays there. The current GM trend of downplaying the importance of goaltenders (because, you know, that one season two years ago where a bunch of no-name goalies took their teams far in the playoffs, which, even though, you know, it only happened that one time, still makes it easier for bad GMs to overspend on the sexier positions so there you go), Vokoun is the exception to that rule. He was phenomenal on a crappy Predators team for years, and I assume he was great for a even crappier Panthers team, but I wouldn’t really know since Panthers games are never televised. A smart GM would be wise to take a “flyer” on this guy, provided they haven’t already blown their entire cap, two #1 centers and any shred of dignity for an overrated goalie with a postseason winning percentage somewhere south of Jorge Posada’s batting average.

The Tiara: It’s still an inexplicably uphill battle for top-flight goalies right now, despite the depressed market. Vokoun will likely stay in Florida and even get a hefty raise, if only because the Panthers could not afford to spend less than $8 million a season on his replacement.

I’ll post it up on Smashwords once I do a  cover design and decide on a title, which should be sometime tomorrow/to-day.

It’s my creepiest story yet! I’m excited to see what yawl think!

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ToddM

Still waiting on a literary agent to respond with something other than a form rejection to my dark fantasy novel EXMORTUS… of the three people that have read it, they all liked/loved it tremendously. But agents are a whole different bag, and I don’t have any vampires/werewolves/Mormon teenagers anywhere in it, so it’s a tough sell. I DO have zombies, but not the usual 100,000 takes on ‘em.

That said, in the next few days I’ll be putting up a short story about a young American in Prague who tries to steal the Golem from the attic of the Old New Synagogue… and maybe next week a story about a guy who does astral travel for the U.S. military, trying to pierce through Bin Laden’s astral defense of Arabic djinn and discover his hiding place.

You're going to have to give us a ten-minute advance warning on this one

#1. The Almost-All-Vegan Hobo Burger – Never has the noticeable absence of panhandlers been so delicious!

#2. Back Hair Special – The perfect burger for the manly man who likes the tickling sensation of tiny hairs with his mouthful of burger. The back hair is shipped fresh daily from a farm of old Hungarian men bred for their rich pelts, and the shavings are passed onto you.

#3. Saliva Fries – A side with that irreplaceable human touch.

#4. Cheeseburger a la Orange – For all the health nuts out there that crave meat but want a little extra, the entire burger-and-bun are soaked overnight in a vat of finely-aged orange juice for that breakfasty goodness.

#5. Anchovy Shakes – Don’t throw up at the thought of it until you’ve tried it!

#6. Blue Freeze Burger – Farm-raised whale vagina drenched in Drano with a light Windex sauce.

#7. Nipples-N-Fries – Never frozen!

#8. Shaking Cobra – For those of you who like a little lethal adventure with your lunch, for a dollar we’ll toss a partially-cooked live cobra through your car window. Drive-thru only.

#9. Claymore Burger – For the discerning foodie! Free-range anti-organic landmine slider with light peanut butter and syrup glaze, marinated in ginseng and thousand island dressing with a pinch of powdered nutria.

#10. Toe Shake – We won’t serve it until the temperature is just right.

#11. Hoof Tots – Like the ancient Apaches, In-N-Out uses every part of the cow. It’s udderly delectable!

Time to get down to these, which Steve Ott will be lining his gloves with next season

But first, it’s time to revisit –just this one time, ever– the Season That Just Was for the 2010-11 Dallas Stars: The Guys That Stopped Playing Two Months Ago.

To do this with the scientific precision the internet is known for, we’ve taken a roundly-embarrassing look back at our pre-pre-pre-season predictions of ten months ago, the vast majority of which turned out to be astoundingly correct depending on your version of reality.

Grading the 2010-11 Dallas Stars

Forwards

Brad Richards – Predicted Grade: A+ – Richards had a weird season, in which his line was one of the top three lines for the first 1/5th of the season, then slowed down as James Neal faded into floatscurity. Then he was injured, during which the Stars acquired Goligoski and started winning all their games– and then he returned, and the Stars tanked. Anyone with a stat sheet sees 77 points in 72 games and thinks “great season.” Anyone with eyeballs sees the half-hearted whiffs at the point leading to multiple shorthanded chances every game, the all-perimeter offensive game plan, and the lack of effort in two of the three zones and –perhaps– they won’t admit it for years, but they’re glad to see the $8 million Late-Model Modano 2.0 leave for richer shores out East. Actual Grade: B

Loui Eriksson – Predicted Grade: A+ – While he didn’t score as many goals, he did put up nearly a point-per-game, led the team in plus/minus and was called for eight minutes of penalties in 79 games –and three of those four calls were extremely dubious. Most importantly moving forward, he put up a four-game goal-scoring streak while Richards was out, putting to rest any idea that he was the product of Richards’ amazing passing abilities. Actual Grade: A

Pictured: signs Richards will fortunately never see in Toronto or New York next season

James Neal – Predicted Grade A++ – For 20 games, Neal was as unstoppable as advertised. Then sometime around mid-December, he simply stopped trying. He skated around in circles, avoided the corners, shirked from physical contact and only took shots from 20+ feet away. It was tough to see him traded, but Stars’ fans worst fears were confirmed when he looked even more miserable in Pittsburgh. Before the season, he was going to be The Next Shane Doan or The Next Cam Neely. Now? The Next Eric Daze? Actual Grade: F

Brenden Morrow – Predicted Grade: A- – Morrow had been quiet the last two seasons, but this year he woke up with a vengeance, potting 33 goals and dishing out 225 hits and just playing like the captain we all expected him to be. A private falling-out with ex-coach Crawford didn’t seem to affect his composure on the ice, but long stretches of lethargic play by his teammates in extended losing streaks are a definite mark against his leadership abilities. We’ll see how he reacts to a “player’s coach” next season. Actual Grade: A-

Mike Ribeiro – Predicted Grade: B+ – It was a tale of two seasons for Ribs, who was mostly invisible in the first half but came on like a lightning bolt out of hell when the Stars needed him most in the second half. All told, 71 points in 82 games, a weird sushi-related arrest, and a return to shootout dominance after a terrible shooting season made for yet another just-a-hair-below-great season for the Ribster. Actual Grade: A-

Jamie Benn – Predicted Grade: B+ – Before the season started Stars fans were just hoping Benn could avoid the usual sophomoric slump. A season later, Benn was Dallas’ unquestioned MVP. While he didn’t put up as many points as Richards, Benn’s electrifying goals, thundering body checks and highlight-reel shorthanded backbreakers directly led to more wins than any Star since Sergei Zubov. Benn played like it was Game 7 of the Finals in all three zones in every game he played, and the former 5th round draft pick willed big plays to happen precisely when the Stars needed him most. Benn missed 13 games to injury, during which the team looked completely lost. A single measly shootout victory during those 13 games would’ve put the Stars in the playoffs. Instead, they have hope that Benn can fill the center role vacated by Richards in much the same way Ryan Kesler did last season. Actual Grade: A+

Steve Ott – Predicted Grade: A- – Every year, Ott gets pigeonholed as a mere “agitator” my the hockey media, who rarely get a chance to see him play. And every year, Ott shocks even his most fervent supporters with huge leaps in performance. Last year it was breaking the 20+ goal mark despite not having a solid top-6 position in the lineup; this year he was limited to 12 goals, but anchored the third line, killed penalties, and most importantly was third in the entire NHL in faceoff percentage, the one area of his game that most needed improvement. Oh, and of course he also proved to be the league’s most effective agitator once again. When Adam Burish was healthy and on his wing, the pair were nigh-unstoppable, and the Stars dominated their way to within two points of the Canucks. Actual Grade: A

Adam Burish – Predicted Grade: C+ – Many hardcore Stars fans made fun of GM Joe’s only off-season acquisition last season, but Burish’s play has made all those nay-sayers look like drooling imbeciles. Burish was a beast on the second line with Morrow and Ribeiro, and even more effective on the third line paired with Ott. While 14 points in 63 games may not seem like much, those points came at crucial points in Stars wins. It’s no secret that, for one long prolonged stretch of games in February and March, the Burish-less Stars were 2-16.. with both wins coming against his former Blackhawks teammates. When Burish was playing, the Stars led the Pacific Division (the only division to send four teams to the postseason, and nearly all five). When he was injured, they were worse than the Senators. Whatever he’s doing, here’s hoping he does it in a Stars uniform for a long, long time. Actual Grade: A

Defensemen

Stephane Robidas – Predicted Grade: B+ – Last season was about what you’d expect from Robidas, who was –Praise Jebus!– taken off the point on the powerplay but nevertheless seemed to have improved his shooting ability tremendously from last season. 30 points ain’t bad for a d-man, but for a #1 d-man it’s not quite All-Star material. Still, he played hard, was a leader by example and ate up tons of minutes until his body seemed to break down in the final third of the season. Actual Grade: B-

Trevor Daley – Predicted Grade: B- – While he may never put up 60 points in a season, his 8 goals were all clutch, his penalty-killing far improved, and his ability to skate the puck into a scoring chance leagues ahead of where it was just a year ago. For ten games in January, the Daley-Woywitka pairing was unstoppable. For 30 games after that, Daley had the misfortune of “playing defense for two.” Actual Grade: B+

Matt Niskanen – Predicted Grade: C- – While seeing Neal go to the Penguins was rough, seeing that Niskanen was included made the deal a sweet one right off the bat for Stars fans, who will no longer be forced to watch as Nisky blunders and cowers his way to Draft Bust History. The fact that an overwhelming majority of hockey pundits and Pens fans thought they “robbed” the Stars by acquiring Niskanen should tell you all you need to know about their ability to judge on-ice effort. Five and ten years from now Nisky-for-Gogo will be viewed in the same light as Ribeiro-for-Niinimaa. Actual Grade: F

Karlis Skrastins – Predicted Grade: C+ – Easily his best season ever as a Dallas Stars, and possibly his last. Blocked shots like a beast, was a calming influence on the third pair and could play well with just about anyone. Actual Grade: B-

A week after the Stars were eliminated from postseason contention, Jamie Benn searched for other constructive outlets to relieve his boredom

Alex Goligoski – Predicted Grade: None – Put up 46 points in 83 games last season, including 15 in just 23 games with the Stars. More importantly, he provided an able go-to offensive option at the point with Richards out, almost always makes excellent clearing passes out of his zone and creates multiple scoring chances with his terrific ice-vision. He is also good for one or two brain farts every game, which a hopefully-more-rested Lehtonen will cover for next season. Gogo was the best Penguins defenseman after Crosby went down, and snaring him for two underperforming malcontents might have been the most overlooked trade at the deadline. Actual Grade: Incomplete, but probably an A-

Mark Fistric – Predicted Grade: A+++ – I make no secret of my man-crush on Dallas’ single best physical defenseman since Derian Hatcher. But injuries and healthy scratches essentially ruined the young Hulk’s season, and along with overplaying Lehtonen, are the primary reason Marc Crawford is living in refrigerator box under the overpass. Hopefully the new coach/Aztec god Gulutzan will recognize Fistric’s abilities and play to them; over a dozen times in limited play, Fistric single-handedly brought the Stars back from a two or three goal deficit with one of his patented teeth-rattling thunderchecks. Actual Grade: Incomplete, but probably a B

Nicklas Grossman – Predicted Grade: A – Grossman was doing excellently for the Stars in the first half, shutting down opposing top lines and making simple, under appreciated plays in the defensive zone. By complete coincidence, the Stars were the fourth-best team in hockey. Then he got injured right as Benn and Burish went down, and the Stars looked worse than the Oilers. Here’s hoping Grossman can play a full season next year. Actual Grade: Incomplete, but probably an A

Jeff Woywitka – Predicted Grade: None – A pleasant surprise for about ten or so games in January, once Niskanen was traded Woywitka did the unexpected and filled in that crucial “By Far the Worst Defenseman on the Team” role. He simply could not make a decent pass out of his own zone, unless it was directly to an opposing forward streaking unchecked down the center of the ice. And that happened, what, twice a period? Watching Woywitka, one wonders if there is some unwritten Rule of the Hockey Gods that states that one d-man must always suck beyond any measure of comprehension, no matter what. The ‘Whipping Boy’ theory of hockey metaphysics. The fact that Crawford repeatedly put Woywitka back out on the ice shift after miserable shift speaks volumes about his inability to coach his way out of a wet paper bag. Actual Grade: F

Goalies

Kari Lehtonen – Predicted Grade: B+ – Lehtonen was a shocking surprise for the first 3/5th of the season, filling the net, making easy saves look easy and difficult ones look only slightly less easy. He gave up goals here and there, but overall he was far better than expected, looking just like the 2nd-overall pick he once was a million Thrashers years ago. Then Crawford decided, inexplicably, to put him out there. Every. Goddamn. Game. Gradually, easy saves turned into tough-luck goals. A sterling shootout save percentage went south in a hurry, with shots pushing Lehtonen into his own net. The guy was physically exhausted, and it was obvious to everyone except for Crawford. Small wonder the guy is cleaning windshields with a spray bottle and a dishrag down on 37th. Actual Grade: B

Andrew Raycroft – Predicted Grade: C+ – Like half the entries on this list, it was a tale of two seasons for Raycroft. In Season A, which ended sometime around mid-January, Raycroft was the guy who posted two impressive shutouts in limited time and was pushing Lehtonen for more starts. In Season B, in which he had exactly one start after Jan. 21st, Raycroft was the guy who made four appearances in the final half of the season and wasn’t very good. Actual Grade: Incomplete

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/68616

Go buy it now!

At first The Internet, pictured, was skeptical

Weiner Tweet #1: You wouldn’t think it by the way she tabled House Bill #770 Thomasina E. Jordan Indian Tribes of Virginia Federal Recognition Act, but Pelosi is a hellcat in bed.

Weiner Tweet #2: Where’s a mirror when you need one amiriteLOL?!

Weiner Tweet #3: Hey baby want to know the REAL reason our party symnol is the donkey?

Weiner Tweet #4: anthony weiner

Weiner Tweet #5: I’m really going to miss having the Disney channel in the house gym

Weiner Tweet #6: Birds and bees don’t make love. They f##k.

Weiner Tweet #7: Just got off the phone with Vivid entertainment. They said I could quadruple my congressional salary working from home!

Weiner Tweet #8: I’m starting to think that Sarah Palin never opens her attachments

Weiner Tweet #9: Tony Weiner is really just my stage name. My real name is Abe Froman.

Weiner Tweet #10: What’s the big deal? Strom Thurmond used to walk around the gym with ‘Lil Hoodie’ hanging out all the time and no one said s##t to him

Weiner Tweet #11: I may not be the best looking guy on the internet, but I’m the only one tweeting pics of my package to you.